This was in conversation form. I meant to write about it, but I didn’t want to type it out twice, so here we go (edited and formatted for this blog):
I’m tired, broke, pensive, frustrated…
Tired because I am out the house 6 days a week for 8 or more hours on average, and I don’t have too much time to sleep…
Broke is self explanatory. I need to pay my phone bill.
Pensive: I have so much on my mind, it’s ridiculous.
Frustrated because of Zach…he’s been stressing me out. Day before yesterday we got into a big argument.
OK, let me explain what happened.
Wednesdays I have one class at 6pm, so I have the morning and afternoon free. But this particular Wednesday, I had to get up early to sign up for the CPE. I HAD to get up early to do it because I’m not in the system, and I’m taking it now so I don’t have to take it in the summer (after which I’m done and will graduate).
My sister left, the stepfather lurked off, and my mom was leaving for work. My mom says, “no funny stuff” and she leaves.
So it’s me and him, alone.
As she was leaving, I was in the hallway smoking and he comes out of nowhere, scaring the shit out of me starts trying to kiss my neck and shit.
Him: hey, no one’s home
Him: we never get to do anything, we’re never alone, [blah blah blah]
I was dead ass tired. I went to bed the night before at 1, and I was up at 8:30am.
I was annoyed.
So I tell him I have to sign up for this stupid test, and afterwards I’m going to bed and he gets angry. I get more annoyed
because he’s had the last two days off, and I hadn’t had a day off in forever (fridays I’m usually off, but last friday I was running around) so I tell him I’m going back to bed after I sign up for the test.
He’s pissed; but nonetheless, I finish my cigarette and go back in the house with him trailing behind me and I ignore him.
I start trying to sign up for the test–it takes me about an hour to do everything. I had to re-sign up for the CUNY portal (which I previously had, but my account was giving me problems; I had to call KBCC’s IT to help me with it), THEN I had five stops on my transcript from various offices, so I had to call the offices to inquire about them and then got them removed, THEN I signed up for a workshop, the test, and printed out the required reading.
in the middle of it all, he keeps asking me, “what are you doing? Blah blah?” I ignored him (again).
then when I was done, [my bestest friend Anna had] messaged me, so I was talking to [Anna] for not even two minutes, and
Him: I thought you were so tired? But no, you’re Talking to Anna; you have time to talk to Anna, but no time to spend with me….
So I told [Anna] I had to go, and we started the argument.
I told him I rarely talk to [Anna] anymore, either on the phone or the computer, and so what if I took some time to say hello?
Then he went on his bleeding heart speech about me not spending time with him. On and on he goes on his familiar rant, and I roll my eyes. He gets pissed
Me: look, I’m tired, I don’t want to deal with this right now
Him: oh, you never want to deal with anything blah blah blah
Me: look. I had already explained to you that I was going to be busy, so I don’t understand why you’re acting like this
Him: yeah I agreed to give you your space but you could at least take the time to spend like five minutes with me
Me: I don’t even have 10 mins for myself these days, let alone for you….I don’t have the time to do anything I like to do– it’s work, it’s school…I have no time to hang out.
[side note: at work, there have been some problems; I don’t chill out as much at work, ’cause my boss just randomly pops up, the computer is a bitch, etc. These are all things he knows, ’cause I have told him. Andm last weekend, i did my homework at work because I had no other time to get it done. Talk about crunch time.]
Look, I understand what he’s saying, but if he wasn’t so whiny and irritating maybe I would want to spend some time with him.
I tell him we spend PLENTY of time….arguing. We argued for an hour and a half that day–plenty of sleeping time wasted.
Him: that’s not the kind of time I want to spend with you
Me: it’s whatever you make of it. you want to whine and complain? doesn’t make me want to spend any time together with you
and I started to leave the room. He gets in the doorway.
Me: excuse me, can you move, said I
Him: no, no I can’t, we’re going to talk about this
Me: are we going to talk, or are you just going to whine and complain?
so he goes off on another rant and I stand there with my arms crossed. He gets more pissed and starts yelling things like “oh, I treat him like crap” and my favorite,”I treat him like he’s not my fiance” and more blah blah.
So I said, if you don’t like it LEAVE. This is nothing new. I warned you this would happen; so for you to turn around and say all this shit…this isn’t fair to me.
He says I don’t treat him like he’s here. (kind of impossible, don’t you think?)
I thought the conversation was over, so I go to the front bathroom (with my computer) and he goes to take a shower in the other bathroom. After a little while, he comes and knocks on the door and says all angrily, “the shower is free”.
I don’t say anything, because I didn’t ask for an announcement.
He then busts opens the door and starts yelling….
Him: You treat me like I’m not here….you know, one of these days I might come home and find that you have a surprise for me, just like you did in Rochester….but the surprise is you’re going to kick me out.
Now, most of you reading wouldn’t know this, but the way I left him when we were together in ROC pretty much went the way he said. I sent him out on an errand, told him I had a surprise for him, and moved out…leaving a four page note with an explanation.
But he swore he’d never bring that up again, because I do feel bad about that still and I cried (CRIED, I tell you) when he came back and I apologized. So I push him out the bathroom, and I finish up.
I go to the room, he’s not there
I go to the living room, and he’s there.
I take off my rings and say, “since you think I’going to leave you so bad, here are your rings back”—slam them on the table, and go to the room. At that point, I get some clothes out and get ready to take a shower.
I didn’t want to be in the same space as him. He comes after me blubbering, but I pay him no mind and get my stuff for my shower. he’s trying to apologize, and I ignore him.
“After what you said, I have nothing to say to you”, I tell him quietly.
Then he starts to panic.
Him: put the rings back on, Deena
I go into the bathroom (slamming the door). He starts sobbing, so I turn on the shower and get in. I finish up, get dressed, and leave. I went to get my feet and hair done, then I went straight to school….motherfucker must have called me 10 times; wondering where I was, worried, etc.
But I didn’t care.
I get home that night from class, and he tries to start Round 2. I ignore him, get ready for bed, and go to bed.
He’s been trying to apologize since then, but he always starts an argument. He’ll put it in a way like, “I’m sorry, but it’s your fault for not spending time with me.”
So I haven’t put the rings back on, and I don’t plan to.
Then yesterday he tried to start, again this time saying, “I came here for you” and blah blah. I was so tired last night, I didn’t want to hear it.
I told him I said I didn’t want to talk to him after what he said, and when I had something to say to him, I would say it. Then he starts crying and blubbering, and my mom comes in, asking what I did to him.
Me: I wonder why everyone always assumes I;m the bad guy just becuase I ain’t crying like him doesn’t mean I’m not the victim here.
then I made my exit, and went to my sister’s room…..
So that is the story in a nutshell.