An Open Letter to My Customers

Dear Crazy ass customers who are buying from the online cellphone company where I work:

I am tired of EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU THAT CALLS OR EMAILS ME FOR STUPID SHIT.

Please do the research BEFORE purchasing. NO, not all phones use SIM cards, and NO you cannot use the pretty Sidekick. You have Verizon. The technology is different. Why? Ask Verizon why, or use a little tool I call GOOGLE.

Speaking of Google, USE IT BEFORE ASKING ME A SIMPLE QUESTION like, can I use an Alltel phone on Verizon? (the answer is NO, you idiot. Even though they merged, they are still separate entities until Verizon deems otherwise). Or, my favorite, does this come with a [battery/charger/battery cover]? Look in the listing, where everything that ships with the fucking phone is listed CLEARLY.

Please stop calling to take your order over the phone—INTERNET ORDERS ONLY.  I don’t have time to be your personal shopper, either. Don’t call asking for a full list of all AT&T phones, ’cause I’m going to send your ass riiight back to the fucking site, which you were already on anyway and was just being a lazy bastard.

For locals, NO we DON’T have a retail store. It’s online only, and we don’t allow pickups. Why? because…your mom, that’s why.

Also, please don’t call me two days after you place an order to cancel (weekend orders excluded). By that time, your phone is probably halfway towards you, and I’ll just charge you a 20% restocking fee when you return it back to us(minus shipping fees).

NO the Blackberry Pearl is NOT the Storm (I have gotten 5 emails asking so far[?!?]).

If you search for a particular model on the website, and you don’t find it, what makes you think a phone call/email to me is gonna make it magically appear? Do I know when it will be in stock??!?? Do I look like Ms. freaking Cleo to you??!? Sign up for the newsletter and STFU.

Also, we have a very strict return policy. If you don’t acquire an RMA#, don’t send back you shit and expect me to know what happened to it. The shipping/receiving dept. only fwds me things with the RMA# clearly written on the box.

For those of you who are fiends (and by that I mean any of the following: answering emails one minute after I send a reply and getting pissy when I don’t respond back right away, people who send back returns and call the minute the tracking info is updated and shown as delivered to my office, people who juuust put in an order and call for tracking information…yeah, all o’ you) CHILL THE FUCK OUT. I work for a small company, and we can only do but so much at a time.

Also, you sleazy men who call me 10 times a day and comment on how nice my voice sounds, IT’S FUCKING CREEPY AND I WILL SCREEN YOUR CALL. So don’t do it. I’ll fwd you to the Polish dude in the office whose English will make you dizzy 🙂

One more thing: DON’T BUY A PHONE IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE IT. I am not Samsung/Nokia/Blackberry; don’t call and ask me how to put the phone on vibrate! Don’t ask me how to download ringtones! Don’t call me if you accidentally lock the phone and forgot your password!

GODDAMN IT, DON’T CALL ME IF YOU DON’T HAVE YOUR ORDER NUMBER AVAILABLE!

That’s all for now.

Love,

Deena

[I posted a version of this on Craigslist as well :)]

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/rnr/1028437590.html

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Thanks for the love <3

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